The Hollywood Record

September 18, 1956

Scientists: Chronic Female Lycanthropy Not Man-Made

By Ralph Brach, U.S. News Desk

In a stunning reversal of earlier theories, scientists from the U.S. Public Health Service, U.S. Army, U.S. Navy, and their counterparts from Western Europe decisively ruled out any sort of manmade origin of Chronic Female Lycanthropy today.  Said a spokesman for the U.S. Public Health Service: “Barring a supernatural explanation, we have concluded decisively that no man-made disease, weapon, or device could have possibly caused Chronic Female Lycanthropy.  The disease has affected every nation and community on Earth: free and Communist, developed and undeveloped, Christian and heathen, East and West."

Scientists also confirmed data shared by their counterparts in the Soviet Union earlier this month.  After a three year communications blackout, Premier Khrushchev shocked the U.N. in September by revealing that despite draconian measures to contain the disease, nearly 7% of Soviet women have been infected with Chronic Female Lycanthropy.  Commie scientists theorize that this may be connected to the Red Army’s extensive use of woman soldiers in the Second World War.  The Public Health Service have confirmed that this is consistent with the known correlation between unfeminine activities and infection.

However, even with this new spirit of collaboration, the root cause of the disease continues to be a mystery.  Chronic Female Lycanthropy seems to defy the Laws of Physics and evolutionary biology.  Scientists also caution that the link between the decline of traditional feminine values and the rise of Chronic Female Lycanthropy is one of correlation, not causation.  Although the U.S. Public Health Service claims to be keeping "an open mind" and have consulted with theologians on the matter, scientists refute claims that Chronic Female Lycanthropy requires a supernatural explanation such as witchcraft, curses, or divine intervention.

This certainly isn't the U.S. Public Health Service's first consultation with members of the non-scientific community.  In January, a source within the U.S. Government leaked a memo about consulting fees paid to crackpot conspiracy theorists and "UFO experts."  The Public Health Service confirmed the veracity of the memo, but stated that they were only exploring all possibilities, no matter how unlikely, and "aliens turning women into females of their species for breeding purposes" wasn't being seriously considered as a cause of Chronic Female Lycanthropy.