Werewolf Genre Pet Peeves: Annoying Puppies

You asked for it and you got it: more ranting!  Today, we'll be talking about the new pups on the block of overused cliches and broken tropes.

A trend lately is to have werewolves born as humans and have their first change in their teenage years.  There's a few reasons for this, the most significant of which seems to be so that normal, everyday high school students can suddenly discover that they're werewolves as a wish fulfillment fantasy (see my last essay for an in-depth rant about my high school werewolves).  Yet, there may be a more subtle reason: because big scary werewolves aren't so scary as puppies.  Instead, they're likely to be adorably awkward: chewing on furniture, transforming at inconvenient times, biting their friends, etc.

That's what these tropes are - the new puppies running around underfoot.  Despite being relatively new to the genre, they've already overstayed their welcome.  To keep the puppy metaphor, for most of these tropes, it's not that they're inherently bad, but that we need to help them "grow up" into imaginative, engaging tropes.  Aside from the problem of identical werewolf costumes, the biggest problem most of these tropes is that they're pushed to an annoying extreme or just used too often within the same work.  Playing with a puppy for an afternoon is a lot of fun.  Having that puppy in the house who pees on the carpet, cries at night, and destroys everything within reach?  Not so much.


Cirque Du Loup Garou

Although I'm a big fan of practical effects (as is most of the werewolf community), one of the major advantages of CG is that it allows for fluid motion of the beast.  This is especially valuable for werewolves who walk upright on digitigrade legs, which tends to look very stiff and ungainly when performed by actors in costumes.  So I say that if a werewolf movie gets a big budget and a good special effects coordinator, I'm all in favor of a good mixing of practical effects and CG.

Unfortunately, this hasn't happened.  It's not just a question of budget and an over-reliance on CG, but this trope.  For whatever reason, directors have decided that it wasn't enough for a werewolf to just run around.  Since CG let them literally do anything, werewolves started leaping from rooftop to rooftop like flying squirrels, vertically leaping fifty feet or more, and platform jumping with skill that puts Mario to shame.  Granted, humans and wolves are very agile creatures, but the typical CG werewolf's movements seem more along the lines of a particularly energetic squirrel given cocaine and a jetpack.

On a related note, werewolves have also been climbing up walls and walking on the ceilings a lot lately.  I have absolutely no idea why.  At least the bouncy ball werewolves are jumping around to get somewhere, but these SpiderWolves walk on the ceiling for no particular reason.  Most of the time they just seem to do it to look cool.  Frankly, it just looks stupid.  Here's a safety tip: drywall will NOT support your weight.  If you've ever hung anything heavy up, you know that you have to look for studs because typical household walls can't even support the weight of a framed painting, let alone a 200-300 pound werewolf.

Could it be done better?

I could totally get behind a werewolf with actual training in parkour doing moves that might be reasonably expected.  That would actually be awesome - especially with a heroic werewolf involved in a cool foot chase.  Bouncy ball werewolves hopping up skyscrapers?  SpiderWolves walking up walls?  No thanks.


Super Duper Human Senses

In recent years, werewolves have been given ludicrously powerful senses - the sort where they can hear a quiet conversation a couple hundred feet away.  Despite the fact that wolves don't have senses this acute, perhaps we can justify it.  After all, werewolves do have something magical that allows them to violate the Laws of Physics, so maybe that same power gives them super-hearing.  But here's where things get tougher: when the werewolf also has those senses in human form.

I could give a long, boring lecture about how senses work and why human ears are below-average compared to other mammals and human noses just plain suck, but I'll spare you.  Long story short, most people know that canine ears and noses are naturally a lot sharper and it chips away at suspension of disbelief when human senses have insane capabilities.  It definitely doesn't help that when werewolves do have super senses, they're wildly inconsistent.  Minor characters, especially bad guys, don't seem to have them at all and won't be able to detect the hero hiding behind a wall, despite the fact that they can smell a breath mint ten miles away.  The hero too may use his or her senses sporadically rather than all the time as those of us with "normal" senses do.

Although the use of super senses is sporadic, the disadvantages of having these tends to be outright ignored.  Rookie werewolves don't feel disoriented by the fact that they suddenly hear and smell everything.  Despite the fact that whispering a hundred feet away sounds like shouting, gunfire never deafens anyone and the werewolf has no trouble at rock concerts and noisy parties.

Could it be done better?

It could if it were scaled back a bit.  It's not unreasonable that werewolves have slightly improved senses in human form, provided that it's nothing overboard.  It might also be interesting to see a werewolf disoriented by their overpowered senses and deafened by loud noises.  Regardless, it is absolutely vital to be consistent.  Werewolves' senses can't just cut out and come back when the plot says so.


Lycanthropic Makeover

Are you a skinny nerd?  Do you suck at sports?  Are you likely to remain a virgin forever?  Do you wear glasses?  Is your hair poorly styled?  Well, we have a cure for all that - and more!  Just one little bite and you'll go from loser nerd to jerkass jock!  Get the girl, become a lacrosse star, attract men... even gay men!  Lycanthropy is the answer to all of your woes!  So sign on today and be cursed... with great hair, rockin' abs, and good fashion sense!

WARNING: Side effects include devouring family members and romantic adventures with poorly characterized members of the opposite sex.

Yep, you guessed it - I'm talking about the tendency of werewolves, whether cursed or "cursed" to suddenly go from gawky nerds to the sexiest jock in school.  This is first and foremost a wish fulfillment cash-in, especially since it happens almost instantaneously after being bitten and before transformation.  It's often justified as "having a fast metabolism" or the "allure of the beast," but astute viewers aren't usually fooled since they can tell that the 20 year old Calvin Klein underwear model isn't a skinny teenage dork just because he's wearing glasses and a pocket protector.
Could it be done better?

Maybe, maybe.  It depends on what exactly is happening.  If it's a matter of weight loss, it could be possible for that to happen over several weeks - though I'd also like to see this lightning fast metabolism deconstructed.  Fine, a fat guy loses a bunch of weight and is happy.  What happens to a normal human?  Fast metabolisms are also likely to make the werewolf insatiably hungry, which may be a serious downside.  I guess I could kind of understand vision correction since the werewolf would look silly running around with glasses, though I do wish that Werewolf Lasik wasn't so common.

Ginger Snaps did a great take on this.  Sure, you get a werewolf makeover, but it comes with some rather ugly physical side effects.

And it goes without saying that there is absolutely no reason for the werewolf to suddenly get better hair and fashion sense... unless he or she has a fairy godmother.


Curse of the WhineWolf

You've just become a werewolf.  You will now live to be 1000 years old, are nearly impossible to kill, can shapeshift at will, have enhanced senses,  heal injuries in
minutes, and will never get sick.  The downsides?  You have to get rid of your silverware and learn basic anger management.  Your response to this?

"WHY AM I CURSED????"

Hollywood seems to believe that viewers like whiny heroes, but I think that they're sadly mistaken.

If that wasn't obnoxious enough, take a look at who's whining and who's not.  Remember my complaint in Werewolf Pet Peeves 1 about how "man = pure good, wolf = pure evil?"  (If you haven't, go read it)  The same concept applies here too.  Any werewolf who considers the curse to be a blessing (even if they're right) is likely a completely evil psychopath.  Any werewolf who accepts the curse is morally ambiguous at best, but probably just a lower-level villain who needs to "see the light" and "fight the evil inner beast."  And of course, any werewolf who complains constantly about the "horrible curse," is guaranteed to be a good guy.  Although the writers are usually trying to show that the WhineWolf is very worried about being human and the safety of others, it's downright annoying when being a werewolf is clearly awesome and he or she just won't shut up and enjoy it.

Could it be done better?

Let me add a disclaimer: sometimes, lycanthropy is genuinely a curse.   The werewolf should be upset if he or she turns into a mindless, bloodthirsty monster or if the disease has seriously debilitating physical or mental effects - or worse, will outright kill the werewolf.  Even so, the whining needs to be kept to a reasonable limit and shouldn't be so constant that the werewolf is too busy being emo to find a solution.

Personally, I find a werewolf who stoically bears the curse a lot more sympathetic than one who won't stop whining about it.  And when the "curse" is actually a totally awesome blessing?  Sigh... no, Jacob, you have absolutely no excuse to whine about being an immortal, superpowered shapeshifter with perfect abs.


Send in the Clones

What's twice as good as one werewolf?  Two of them.  What's even better than that?  A whole pack.

Since real-life wolves rely on numbers and cooperation, why not werewolves?  The original the Howling decided to present an answer to that question and in its wake, movies began to feature wolfmen... and wolfwomen to a much lesser extent (see Werewolf Pet Peeves 1 for my thoughts on that topic).  Some were good (Dog Soldiers), some were bad (Skinwalkers), and some appear to have been made under the influence of powerful narcotics (Company of Wolves).  Yet all is not well within the werewolf pack sub-genre.  The problem is that making werewolves, whether through practical effects or CG, is not cheap.  In theory, making two costumes should be an economy of scale, but it's not nearly as efficient as you might guess.  The crew has to make two entirely different designs that are distinguishable from one another, may have to make the costumes mechanically different, have to hire and train a second creature actor, and now have another continuity issue to manage.  CG makes it a little easier, but it still means animating an all-new or mostly new model that has to be distinguishable from the original werewolf.  Three or more werewolves only compounds the problem and if you've got a whole pack, you may need a dozen lycanthropes.  That's a big, expensive request and it's bound to look awful if done on the typical werewolf flick's budget.

So how do we get that economy of scale back?  Simple - make all of the werewolves clones of one another.  In general, when multiple werewolves are used, there are two to four costumed actors playing several different werewolves.  It may be that only one werewolf gets close-ups while the others are lower quality background monsters.  The fact that the werewolves all look the same may be played for drama since one cannot be told from another and humans may kill their loved ones along with "evil" werewolves.  Yet anyone familiar with wolves knows that they rarely look identical when two are placed side by side.

There's a closely related version of this where werewolves are fundamentally identical aside from their coloration and jewelry.  Even in werewolf art, it's very common and about 90% of werewolf original characters have the same "athletic" build - males have fuzzy pecs and furry six packs while females have trim, lightly muscled builds with reasonably large fuzzy boobs.

Could it be done better?

Let me be honest and say that I understand why this happens.  That doesn't mean I have to like it.  Here's some food for thought:

TWILIGHT DID IT RIGHT.

Yes, Twilight.  As much as I rip on it, I have to admit that they handled this very well and are leading the charge against Hollywood's werewolf cloning.  The werewolves (or shapeshifters if you prefer) are different colors, different sizes, different builds, and even have slightly different faces.  Bella can't walk and chew gum at the same time, but she can easily tell them apart.

So when you're working on your werewolves, try to make them stand out using something other than a palette swap and some accessories.  Because Twilight did it right and so can you.

Another essay, another five ugly werewolf tropes.  Stay tuned to this account for even more!