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Helmutt-Granger Pharmaceuticals INC
 
MEMORANDUM FOR REVIEW, 8/22/2016
 
SUBJECT: Fall 2016 Marketing Campaign Rollout for TIWAZ
 
Allcon:
 
I’m happy to report that our new marketing campaign for TIWAZ® Involuntary Hominid-Lupine Transformation (IHLT) Suppressant is now ready for wider corporate review.  We’re hoping to start filming within the next few days and predict a very strong response from our primary market.
 
Based on our intensive market research, we’ve identified the median IHLT sufferer as a 40-60 year old middle or upper middle class Caucasian (both genders have been equally represented in most studies) who lived in the Southern US during his or her formative years, most commonly as a college student, at which point he or she indulged in the party narcotic “Rougarou,” thus becoming afflicted with IHLT and stuck in his or her unattractive half-wolf form.  Since the mid-1980s, many IHLT sufferers have relocated throughout the continental US primarily for work, marking it crucial that we look beyond the already heavily saturated Mississippi-Louisiana market raise brand awareness across the US.  The overwhelming majority of adult IHLT sufferers are deeply ashamed of their condition, particularly women, interested in treatment, and take a medication to regain a human form.  Approximately 26% were already taking TIWAZ at least part of the time, about 58% were using our competitors’ products, particularly generic Aconitum and other inexpensive IHLT suppressants, and about 16% do not take IHLT suppressants at all.  However, in our survey last month, more than 90% of those using our competitors’ medications agreed or strongly agreed with the statement “I might be willing to pay more for an IHLT suppressant with fewer and/or milder side effects.”  Those not taking IHLT suppressants are also potential customers, since they may require them for work, formal events, family gatherings, or other occasions where they do not wish to present themselves as so-called “Loup Garou” and, after learning that TIWAZ has so few side effects compared to other medications, may decide to take TIWAZ daily.
 
We have also identified a secondary market of 18-30 year old IHLT sufferers who, although perhaps initially enthusiastic about their disease, may now be questioning their choices.  However, compared to 40-60 year old IHLT sufferers, these afflicted millennials are, sure to form, far less likely to desire treatment.  At this time, we believe that the best away to address this market is through various educational websites and support groups for parents of children suffering from IHLT rather than direct marketing.  By October of this year, we hope to have a campaign in order.
 
At the behest of the Board of Directors, we’ve prepared a new full scale media campaign consisting of TV and radio ads as well as animated banners and pop-up windows to be placed on websites most likely to be viewed by our target 40-60 year old market.  My office has prepared scripts for two one minute-long TV ads.  I’ve included both of the scripts for these in my review.  Our plan is to use our usual production house.  I know that the first ad involves a lot of locations while the second calls for an actual IHLT sufferer, but our customers have come to expect high production values in our advertising.
 
Targeting won’t be a problem.  I’ve already taken the liberty to drop a line with Larry down at the Golf Chanel.  After a few beers, he was pretty keen on the first advertisement.  I think I had him at “Loup Garou Golfing,” though he’s probably going to be disappointed that we’re not going to have some werewolf whacking balls and chasing squirrels in a golf cart.  The second ad is a harder sell, since women werewolves tend to be a pretty reclusive bunch, but I think it’s just a matter of figuring out what melodramas the 40-60 year old women are going to be watching on TV this fall and making the right offer to the network guys.
 
To get down to brass tacks, the scripts for our ads are below my signature line at the end of this memo.  We would absolutely appreciate any feedback whatsoever from any individual or office receiving this memo, particularly from R&D or any employee who either suffers from IHLT or has any family and friends suffering from IHLT.
 
Thanks in advance, guys!
 
Sam R. McCarran
Director of Marketing
Helmutt-Granger Pharmaceuticals, Inc
 
 
 

Advertisement 1: The Good Life

 
 
1. EXT.  BEACH.  TWILIGHT
 
We see a fit, grey-haired 50 year old white man, the IHLT SUFFERER, lounging in a hammock on the beach, the sun setting in the background.  The NARATOR who provides the voiceover is a calm, well-spoken 50-60 year old black man along the lines of Morgan Freeman.
 
NARRATOR (v/o)
It’s a sunset.  It’s a beach.  It’s a relaxing vacation.
 
2. EXT.  GOLF COURSE.  DAY
 
A GROUP OF MIDDLE AGED MEN play golf, including the IHLT sufferer.  He sinks his putt.  The men cheer and pat him on the back.  The IHLT sufferer smiles, raising up his putter in triumph.
 
NARRATOR (v/o)
It’s a perfect shot.  It’s a great day on the links.  It’s making lifelong friends.
 
3. INT.  OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM.  DAY
 
The IHLT suffer presents at a meeting.  He points to a bar graph projected on the wall that shows 300% growth, looking confident.  The BOARD MEMBERS applaud, nodding thoughtfully.  An older, bald man in a fine suit, the CEO, smiles and gives him a thumbs up.
 
NARRATOR (v/o)
It’s a big speech.  It’s a promotion.  It’s the respect of an entire organization.
 
4. INT.  CHURCH.  DAY.
 
The IHLT sufferer is getting married to his beautiful 30 year old WIFE.  The IHLT sufferer puts a ring on his new wife’s slender, feminine finger.  They kiss and the WEDDING GUESTS cheer.
 
NARRATOR (v/o)
It’s the woman of your dreams.  It’s lifelong happiness.  It’s TIWAZ®.
 
5. INT.  HOTEL BATHROOM.  DAY.
 
The IHLT sufferer removes a pill bottle from his toiletries bag and puts two pills in the palm of his hand.
 
NARRATOR (v/o)
                    TIWAZ® is the only Aconitum-free, FDA-approved Involuntary Hominid-Lupine Transformation Suppressant with twenty four hours of effective coverage.
 
The man takes the pills with a smile.  His wife enters, smiling and displaying her ring.  They embrace with a kiss.
 
NARRATOR (v/o; speaking quickly and in a subdued tone of voice)
Side effects from TIWAZ® are generally very mild and include fever, sweating, heightened blood pressure, shortness of breath, irritability, headache, muscle loss, and hair growth.  Like all IHLT Inhibitors, TIWAZ® is not a cure for IHLT and must be taken daily to suppress IHLT symptoms.
 
6. EXT.  BEACH.  TWILIGHT.
 
The IHLT sufferer heads out to the beach, hand in hand with his wife.
 
NARRATOR (v/o)
Be a person, not a condition. TIWAZ®: show the world your true self!
 
FADE TO BLACK
 
 
 

Advertisement 2: A Night on the Town

 
1. INT.  BATHROOM.  NIGHT.
 
A werewolf’s clawed, hairy hand belonging to the IHLT SUFFERER wipes condensation off of a mirror, revealing the IHLT sufferer’s wolf face.  She is gray muzzled, bedraggled, and incredibly ugly.
 
IHLT SUFFERER (v/o)
One hit of Rougarou at a party was all it took.  One mistake changed my life forever.
 
 
2. INT.  NIGHTCLUB.  NIGHT.
 
The IHLT sufferer, wearing a hooded jacket over her dress, sits alone at a table with her drink.  A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN, walks by, glancing at her.  She smiles at him.  He laughs and walks away.  The IHLT sufferer pulls her hood over her head.  She starts to cry.
 
IHLT SUFFERER (v/o)
I thought that my life as a woman was over.  I was afraid to leave the house.  All I wanted was to be able to take back that terrible mistake.
 
 
3. INT.  BATHROOM.  NIGHT.
 
Now wearing a bathrobe, the IHLT sufferer looks at an orange pill bottle and shakes her head.
 
IHLT SUFFERER (v/o)
My doctor prescribed Aconitum.  But the side effects were too terrible to imagine.  How could I take something so dangerous?  I was about to give up hope of living a normal life, but then… a miracle happened.
 
4. INT.  BATHROOM.  DAY.
 
The IHLT sufferer is seen again in the same bathrobe, this time as a beautiful, smiling 40 year old woman, having been cured by TIWAZ®.  She holds up a TIWAZ® pill bottle, smiling with perfect white teeth.
 
IHLT SUFFERER (v/o)
That miracle was TIWAZ®.  TIWAZ® is the only Aconitum-free, FDA-approved Involuntary Hominid-Lupine Transformation Suppressant with twenty four hours of effective coverage.  I couldn’t take back my mistake, but with my first dose of TIWAZ®, I was a woman again.
 
5. INT. NIGHTCLUB.  NIGHT
 
The IHLT sufferer is back at her table, this time surrounded by GIRLFRIENDS.  They laugh together, telling stories about their boyfriends.
 
IHLT SUFFERER (v/o; speaking quickly and in a subdued tone of voice)
Side effects from TIWAZ® are generally very mild and include fever, sweating, heightened blood pressure, shortness of breath, irritability, headache, muscle loss, and hair growth.  Like all IHLT Inhibitors, TIWAZ® is not a cure for IHLT and must be taken daily to suppress IHLT symptoms.
 
The handsome man walks by, noticing the IHLT sufferer.  He smiles and approaches the table, gently taking her hand.  She stands up, bashfully smiling and allows herself to be led to the dance floor.
 
IHLT SUFFERER (v/o)
Be a person, not a condition. TIWAZ®: show the world your true self!
 
FADE TO BLACK
Werewolves Versus Music Teaser
Could it be?

Could it possibly be that time of the year when a bunch of us werewolf geeks get together to create...

WEREWOLVES VERSUS

Why yes!  Yes it is that special time!

On August 30, 2016, Werewolves Versus Issue 3, Werewolves Versus Music will be available for download!  My story for this issue of the 'zine is "Rougarou Roulette" - a tale of an aging Loup Garou who returns to New Orleans on business and rediscovers her past on Bourbon Street.

For those of you who do enjoy the business side of things, the story features the thrilling excitement of epic work-related phone conversation and the epic battle of how to create an engaging booth at a large trade show!

For everyone else, there's dancing, partying, self-discovery, barbaqued ribs, and the infamously bawdy ballads of Loup Garou singers.
Loading...
If you got a Permit to Wear (as seen in "Portraits of the Royal Family"), which wolfskin belt would you wear first?
38%
6 deviants said Southwestern Red
31%
5 deviants said Bisclavret
19%
3 deviants said Choctaw Rougarou
13%
2 deviants said Ulfhednar
I posted a 19,000 word story and within a minute, it has 2 faves...

EPIC READING SKILLS OF EPICNESS.

deviantID

QuebecoisWolf
Irish-Canadian Mongrel
Artist
United States
Interests
More and more lately, I think we've all asking ourselves why Hollywood doesn't seem to care about the werewolf genre except when it's time to make cheap horror schlock around Halloween.  Well... it's time that someone sat down and figured things out.  After consuming large quantities of certain thought-provoking, regulated substances (just like many Hollywood bigwigs do) and extensive viewing of the most popular media featuring werewolves, I've come up with some solutions.  It's time that we as a community accept that werewolves will never, ever be popular unless we change how we look at the genre.

So let's kick off April and the second half of the fiscal year the right way.  Here are the top five elements to create a successful werewolf franchise and the bottom five elements that should be avoided at all costs.  Follow these rules and before you know it, you'll have legions of Hollywood producers knocking down your door with multi-million dollar buy-out offers.


Top Five Most Important Elements for Success (ranked from least important to most important)


5. Sports Montages

True Americans are sports fans, so it's just common sense that this massive market would love to see some kind of werewolf-enhanced sports taking place in your story or film.  It really doesn't matter what kind of sport: wrestling, lacrosse, basketball, baseball, golf, skiing, discus, capture the flag, or even NASCAR.  What they want to see are werewolves (in human form of course) playing them and playing them well.  Everyone loves a jock after all, especially one who defeats all of his opponents without any effort at all.  Look at the NFL today - what could be better than seeing the plucky underdog rookie quarterback from a small market team having his leg snapped in half like an uncooked spaghetti noodle by a steroid-pumped, meathead Pro Bowl linebacker who makes more in a month than he does in a year?  If you want a picture of a well-written werewolf  sports montage, imagine a cleat stamping on a human face - forever.  

The fact is that sports make everything better.  Except for hockey, of course.  What are you?  Some kind of Canadian traitor?  Stick with proper American sports like baseball, MMA, and Jai Alai.


4. Vampires

This one should be obvious. Vampires are everything that werewolves are, only way sexier and a whole lot cheaper.  If you have some plastic fangs and a desaturation lens filter, you have a vampire.  Just wait until producers hear that your story will be able to appeal to vampire fans too!

Now, I know that some of you werewolf purists are balking, but let's face it: in pretty much every notable bit of werewolf media of the past fifteen years or so, vampires have made an appearance.  This isn't a coincidence: vampires are cheap, well known, and have wide appeal as sex gods.  There's really no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't hitch your werewolf story to the vampire fandom train.

All aboard the Twilight Express!  Next stop: high grosses and huge royalties!



3. Cool cars and motorcycles:

Cars represent sex appeal but in a purely G-rated way that you can include in your TV commercials.  What could be more sensual than sitting inside in a Ferrari?  What could better reflect the manly, testosterone-fueled rugged manliness like the steady grumble of the engine of the 2016 Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat?  After all, it is the car of successful, masculine werewolves, brought to you by the engineers at Dodge... at least until Ford or GM manage to pony up a better product placement deal.  Just don't forget: driving these kinds of vehicles is for boys and villainous women - gotta keep those gender barriers up or you'll spook the Hollywood producers.  Anyway... never mind that these types of vehicles are even less practical that a Smart Car, cost a fortune to insure, are crippled by poor quality control, and are an unholy nightmare for any mechanic who dares to go under the hood (except for Dodges of course), but this is FANTASY.  And in the realm of FANTASY, hot, shirtless werewolf boys who drive flashy, expensive cars want nothing more than to marry a middle class suburban high school girl who doesn't seem to have any sort of personality.  Of course, you can have your villainous wolf boys drive cool cars too, but motorcycles would be even better (because motorcycles are ridden exclusively by sexy bad boys and villains.  Just remember: four wheels good, two wheels bad).  Just wait until the producer of your blockbuster film learns that Harleys can be rented for dirt cheap an you can save a fortune on stunt drivers by speeding up the frame rate!

Also, keep in mind that good characters drive the speed limit and wear helmets and seatbelts while villains and edgy bad boys don't.  It's important to make sure that everyone is sticking with their character archetypes.


2. Silver bullets, full moons, and gory transformations

If you don't include these elements, your audience is just going to get confused.  What kind of werewolf changes only once, doesn't have an agonizing transformation, and has no special vulnerability to silver?  I'll tell you what kind: the sort that has a disappointing box office opening - assuming you find a publisher who doesn't just fling it into his trash can. Stick with what's popular and it's hard to go wrong.  More importantly, it won't upset the Hollywood producers who view every deviation from what's already popular and successful as an awful, awful risk.

If you really want to put yourself out there, maybe you can omit ONE popular element just to set your werewolves apart from the competition.  It's risky, but if you're going to do that, take full advantage.  Have characters yap on and on about how your werewolf is a superior being that's just so different from ordinary werewolves!  Why yes... he transforms every full moon into a brainless berserk wolf beast and can be killed by silver bullets, but unlike those other werewolves, he also changes on new moons!  Such a unique, special snowflake he is!


1. Shirtless boys and scantily clad girls

This one is really, really hard to do wrong.  Take a handsome boy or hot girl, subtract the clothes as much as you can without getting in trouble with the FCC and that equals success.  Toss in a sex scene or two in the book and you're golden (I recommend writing it in the style of the instruction manual that came with your TV - since most of your readers probably don't know any more about sex than the average TV buyer knows about technology).  Unfortunately, while parents don't read the books that they get their teenage kids, they do usually end up seeing the movie, so you can't include such beautiful lovemaking in your film after your New York Times bestseller gets that inevitable movie deal.  But we can't have everything, can we?   The point here is to remember who your audience is.  For teenage girls, the way to go is no shirt on your werewolf, but you do want to include cargo shorts (which also opens up the possibility of a product placement deal with Abercromie and Fitch - they're desperate enough to throw money at just about anything).  For teenage boys, what we're generally talking about film-wise is a total gorefest.  With that R-rating, you can have a wardrobe malfunction or ten.  But if you're in another genre, you'll have to make due with a random bikini scene and the sorts of halter tops rarely seen outside of Las Vegas.

So bottom line: no shirt, no shoes, maximum fan service!



Bottom Five Elements (from least awful to worst) - AVOID AT ALL COSTS (seriously - if you make just one of these mistakes, you won't get so much as a TV pilot out of your story)


5. Morally Ambiguous Werewolves

The fact is that if you're not making it clear that being a werewolf is either the greatest thing ever or the most disgusting, evil, awful curse that could befall a human being, you're just going to confuse your audience.  Most people don't like to be challenged by fiction.  They're really just here for an escape from their dreary lives - either with a brainless gorefest that makes working retail seem marginally less awful compared to being messily eaten or the dream of being swept off their feet by a dreamy shirtless boy.  Look at this from the point of view of film producers: posters and t-shirts come with price tags.  You can't really make fan debate into a revenue stream.

Now some of you might be wondering how they're supposed to develop werewolves as characters without moral ambiguity?  Answer: you don't.  Think of putting a werewolf in your story the same as randomly adding a topless scene to a film: it doesn't demand debate or explanation, just ogling.


4. Excess Symbolism

Werewolves are a symbol for one of two things: strong, manly perfection or brainless monsters.  Isn't that enough?  Why do you have to go flooding your story will all kinds of confusing nonsense about werewolves representing veterans or the mentally ill people or women pushing against traditional gender roles or LGBTQ people?  All of these are just confusing to audiences and, even worse, can actively undermine other films.  How is Michael Bay supposed to score a smash hit with Transformers 9 when your little werewolf story about televised werewolf gladiators is making people evaluate their view of violent spectacles and lowest common denominator pop culture?  Do you think that the producers of chick flicks want the readers of your little tale about lesbian werewolves pestering them about including non-straight romance plots?  No.  They don't.  So stay away from symbolism.

On a related note, except for the quirky, flamboyantly gay side character who provides moral support, the evil bisexual female werewolf villain, or the hot lesbian couple who become the werewolf's first victims, stick with straight characters.  But that's such a universal Hollywood truism that it doesn't bear mention on this list.


3. Comedy

Werewolves are serious business and only by taking them seriously will we succeed in the business of making werewolf movies.  Whether it's a beautiful romance between the handsome wolf boy and the shy, demure maiden or a blood and guts gorefest, no one - I repeat, NO ONE - wants to hear a bunch of lame jokes or suffer through slapstick comedy.  Or worse - what if your jokes are funny?  Do you know what happens then?  Your story will be relegated to the comedy genre, which in Hollywood is the exclusive purview of toilet humor, sequels of franchises, knockoffs of films from the 1980s, and Dreamworks animation.  If your comedy werewolf story isn't any of those things, you won't get a film deal.

And if you try to tell me that "Shakespeare put comedy in his tragedies," well, you're awfully arrogant to go comparing yourself to the Bard.  Besides, kids hate Shakespeare because he's BORING.  Is that what you want?

2. Female werewolves

First off, notice that I said "no female werewolves" - the plural.  It's okay to have one, especially if she's evil or corrupted.  That way, you can get away with her not only being hideously ugly when transformed, but give her a topless scene without worrying that your audience will have to identify with her (see number 2 on the "good" list for a full understanding of why sex appeal is so important).  Unfortunately, sexy as she might be, you will have to kill her off.  The best way to do this is to have her die in a catfight (MRREOOW!) with the demure human love interest, which some audiences might find confusing since your evil she-wolf was shown to be a tough, superhuman killer and may be highly proficient with firearms, knives, and her fists while the love interest generally doesn't have any traits to speak of at all, but you've got to shore up those traditional gender roles or Hollywood producers balk.

If you want to run with a different angle, I suppose there's the recent innovation of including a token female werewolf who nobody likes along with your group of sexy wolf boys.  That way, the producers of your film can talk about diversity and inclusiveness, but without really disputing the fan service.  Not like they'll have to make merchandise of her or anything since no one will ever buy it.  

But the ideal is to stick with the one evil female werewolf - any more than that and audiences will be punished with the awful horror of hairy, masculine women.


1. Complex Characterization

Hoo boy... now we're into a real danger, yet this is probably the most common trap that many young werewolf genre writers fall right into.  Here's the deal: when you're trying to make a story into a film, you have to pitch it to film producers.  You get thirty seconds - and that's going to be a real problem if you're getting hung up on all kinds of crazy adjectives to describe your characters and how they change over the course of the plot.  Compare the following:

"A sexy werewolf boy falls in love with an everyday girl and then they fight evil werewolves."

"A handsome, yet self-conscious teenage werewolf struggling to overcome his fear of failure which was a factor caused by his traumatic childhood and the perpetual outsider status he feels as a non-...  Why are you shaking your head?  Wait!  Come back!  There's more, please!"

See what happened?  Too much characterization and film producer stopped listening while the writer looked like a complete loser.  Is that what you want?  Besides, you have to look at things from the audience's perspective too.  When someone hears that it's a werewolf story, the first thing on their mind is often: "what does the werewolf look like?"  Now, we'll leave the answer to that question to the finest minds of Hollywood's marketing consultants (since it's going to be the subject of posters and action figures and such), but what I'm getting at is that most fans of werewolf films really don't care about plot or character and you shouldn't either.


So that's the biggest takeaway from all of this - appearance is simply a more important matter than the intangibles like plot, character, and theme.  If you avoid those and focus on making the sexiest, coolest, richest, most marketable werewolf you can, you'll be a huge success and the movie deal is sure to follow!

By the way... if you've made it this far, I'm going to assume that you haven't clicked away or unwatched me in a fit of rage... Happy April Fools Day!

If you got a Permit to Wear (as seen in "Portraits of the Royal Family"), which wolfskin belt would you wear first? 

38%
6 deviants said Southwestern Red
31%
5 deviants said Bisclavret
19%
3 deviants said Choctaw Rougarou
13%
2 deviants said Ulfhednar

Comments


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:iconpencilartguy:
Pencilartguy Featured By Owner 1 day ago
I found this video. This man talks about the reluctance of soliders being able to shoot to kill the enemy. You are in the military and are a historian. What do you think? Is he right?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zViyZG…
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:iconconnor18:
Connor18 Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Hey man, hope you're doing okay!

I've been messing around on Gmod for the past couple of days making poses, which is a fancy term for basically playing with computer program dolls. You can edit the hands, the shape of the fingers, the face and features, where the eyes are pointing, all that stuff. There's also a bunch of in-game programs for editing stuff like Depth of field and colour for when you're taking pictures.
Then there's placing objects, adding "paint" like blood or water splashes, all that sort of stuff, and I have spent hours doing it. I did not think it would be nearly as fun as it is.

I've been making up a werewolf apocalypse/supernatural world and I was thinking of posting it up here, mainly as a side thing unrelated to my proper stories (I'd rather hire an actual artist for them if I want them drawn). People post other Gmod stuff here, there are loads of groups dedicated to it so I'm not too worried about legalities of it. But my god there are millions of MLP pics on here it's not even funny anymore. That and Fnaf Gmod pics *shudder*.
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:iconquebecoiswolf:
QuebecoisWolf Featured By Owner 4 hours ago

I’m doing fine!  I just wrote a thing!

Yeah, I saw a bit of that!  I’ve never actually gotten into Gmod myself but I do know some people who do and I’m certainly familiar with the power of the program. 

Oh?  To be honest, I’d be more interested in the concept and lore than the art at this point – including concepts for the actual werewolf species design.  I’m always interested in hearing about what others are coming up with.

OH DEAR GOD NO.  I really don’t get the obsession with FNaF at all.  At least it (and MLP) are really dying down to a saner level.  The stuff was absolutely rampant on DA at one point and very hard to avoid.
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:iconterror-from-beyond:
Terror-From-Beyond Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2016  Student Traditional Artist
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:iconquebecoiswolf:
QuebecoisWolf Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2016
Oh cool!
Reply
:iconfreakaru:
Freakaru Featured By Owner May 31, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
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:iconpencilartguy:
Pencilartguy Featured By Owner May 2, 2016
Happy birthday!
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:iconquebecoiswolf:
QuebecoisWolf Featured By Owner May 2, 2016
Thank you very much!
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:iconinvadernexis:
InvaderNexis Featured By Owner May 2, 2016  Student General Artist
And a birthday of happy to you man :iconfireworkplz:
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:iconquebecoiswolf:
QuebecoisWolf Featured By Owner May 2, 2016
Thank you!
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